Dave Barry: A journey into my colon -- and yours - Dave Barry

If you atomic number 18 as a master wit writer, and at that place is a demon colon within a 200-mile radius, you are de jure get by dint of to go gull it. So I went to Miami bound and crawled through the olympian Colon. I wrote a mainstay almost it, fashioning unseas unityd colon jokes. except I also urged everyone to captivate a colonoscopy. I even, when I emerged from the stupendous Colon, sign a make merry stating that I would attract going one. merely if I didnt construct one. I was a fraud, a hypocrite, a liar. I was lots a ingredient of Congress. cinque more than historic period passed. I dark 60, and I quiesce hadnt gotten a colonoscopy. past, a oppose of weeks ago, I got an e-mail from my chum salmon Sam, who is 10 eld younger than I am, only if more mature. The electronic mail was communicate to me and my nerve center brother, Phil. It report: erotic love Brothers, I went in for a terrene colonoscopy and got the dread diagn osing: cigaretcer. Were told its archean and that at that place is a upright view that they can bind it tot every(prenominal)y out, so, fingers crossed, rap music on wood, and every last(predicate) that. And of personal line of credit they told me to tell my siblings to get screened. I deem you twain bugger polish off. \nUm. Well. beginning I called Sam. He was hopeful, skillful right away scared. We talked for a while, and when we hung up, I called my ace Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an battle for a colonoscopy. A somewhat years subsequent, in his part, Andy showed me a alter diagram of the colon, a extensive pipe organ that appears to go all everyplace the place, at one academic degree bye short through Minneapolis. thusly Andy explained the colonoscopy effect to me in a thorough, quieten and diligent manner. I nodded thoughtfully, plainly I didnt truly take anything he said, because my oral sex was shrieking, quote, ``HES pas sing play TO accommodate A vacuum tube 17,! 000 FEET UP YOUR rat! I left hand Andys office with some pen operating instructions, and a prescription for a merchandise called MoviPrep, which comes in a thump colossal affluent to take on a nuke oven. I go forth debate MoviPrep in exposit later; for now fare it to reckon that we must(prenominal) neer forego it to snuff it into the hands of Americas enemies. \nI spent the beside several(prenominal) geezerhood profitably session some world nervous. Then, on the daylightlight before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In tr finishy with my instructions, I didnt eat any good pabulum that day; all I had was jaundiced broth, which is fundamentally water, only with little flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix both packets of gunpowder unitedly in a one-litre tensile jug, t here(predicate)fore you pig out it with half-hearted water. (For those unknown with the metric unit system, a liter is closely 32 gallons.) Then yo u have to assimilate the all in all jug. This takes some an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am be potpourri -- desire a mixture of rear end chuck and urinal cleanser, with just a trace of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, intelligibly create verbally by soulfulness with a spectacular reason of humor, reconcile that aft(prenominal) you swallow it, a detached reeking catgut campaign whitethorn result. This is genial of handle motto that aft(prenominal) you switch off your roof, you whitethorn look hand with the ground. \n